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How to Cheat a Xiao Mei Mei #1

Disclaimer: This post is purely for entertainment sake and is not based on truths, or half-truths. Responsibility, awkwardness or getting slapped while failing to do what herein stated in this blog post will not be the fault of the author’s but due to the stupidity of the reader who dares attempt this stunt or manipulate it to suit his own needs. Hardly possible to try at home, but happy endings do occur at times.



Now we all know that deep within each and every one of us there is a fear of ghosts, monsters, vampires, and what not. Though the recent usage of Edward Cullens as a suave pale faced vampires that sparkles in the Twilight series has definitely changed the perception of what vampires were supposed to be. We humans are supposed to be afraid of vampires, not fall in love with them, they are not Unicorns.

Some people, or pussies, sissies, scaredy-cats or timid mice (as you might refer to them to be) may be more scared of the above stated than others. I mean, ghosts, not Unicorns. Thus they will never step into a cinema to watch horror movies for the fear of staring directly at a visual motion image of a long haired female who can walk through walls with a vengeance for blood may be too much of mental torture for the jet-black nights to come. Yet then again there are a few mentally unstable individuals who seek entertainment in fear, as fear is known to be a source of adrenaline and various other endorphins may be released to give a semi-orgasmic jolt to the brain.

What happens then if the former meets the latter? What happens when you are a boy who hates horror movies and yet you meet a cute, adorable, xiao mei mei that loves to watch horror movies in a cinema, scream, throw popcorn everywhere, hide behind her fingers, claws at your arms…. The list goes on.

This may result in eminent failure of the relationship or there might not be a relationship to start with. Imagine a scene where boy asks girl out on a date.

Boy: “Eh girl ah go out with me watch movie okay?” (This is Singapore and this is usually done by sms, that is why they always fail)

Girl: “Orh okay can, we watch The Eye okay? I like horror movie.”

Boy: *Thinking* FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW? “Eh, I think we watch other thing la… I a bit scared leh.”

Girl: *Thinking* PUSSY LA CHEEBYE HORROR MOVIE ALSO DONT DARE WATCH STILL CALL YOURSELF A MAN. “Orh…. like that ah, we see how okay?”

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

Now, how can the boy in the case presented, watch a horror movie with the cute xiao mei mei, and not pee in his pants?

The answer is very simple. He should have replied like this instead.

Girl: “We watch horror movie okay?”

Boy: “Normal horror movie? No kick la, we watch 3D one the ghost come out you sure scared.”

Girl: *Thinking* wah this boy got balls man macho man <3<3<3 “Okay but I scared you must protect me okay?”

PASS. PASS. PASS.

Now you must be wondering, if that pussy of a man does not even dare to bring his ass into a cinema to watch a normal horror movie, how the fuck will he ever be able to handle a 3D horror movie?!?

Well, with the latest technology implemented into our cinemas, 3D technology brings forth a plausible solution to the pussy boy problem. 3D glasses are thick and cover most of your eye area, they are also tinted a dark shade. This would result in the xiao mei mei not noticing if the pussy boy’s eyes are actually opened or closed during the movie.

The boy can then shut his eyes whenever he senses a scary scene is about to take place, and at the same time hold the xiao mei mei close to him and assure her not to be scared at all. “Don’t worry la this where got scary one? Little bit only!” After all, his eyes would be closed and he would not have a clue to what’s happening on screen in the first place, but she wouldn’t know and will think that he’s some macho man without fear.

There are often screw ups to this plan, I will list some of the more common examples and suggest solutions to salvage them.

Screw up 1

Boy opens eyes during scary part of show, ends up screaming/shouting when ghost/monster appear.

Solution

Tell the girl “I trying to scare you only! See whether you scared or not!”

Screw up 2

They go to Cathay where 3D glasses are in the shape of sunglasses. The girl will be able to see if he is closing his eyes or not.

Solution

Go to Golden Village Cinema to watch. Its as simple as that.

Screw up 3

The show is so scary the boy closes his eyes so often he falls asleep.

Solution

Tell the girl you’ve watched many scarier movies and this one was so boring you fell asleep.

Screw up 4

The girl asks what the ghost looks like or what the show was about and the boy cannot answer because he has been closing his eyes all the time.

Solution

Time to put your talk-cock skills into practice, tell her the ghost looks like her mother, if she isn’t insulted she’ll ask you how you know what her mother looks like, take this chance to get to arrange a meeting with her mom. If her mom likes you the next time you watch a horror movie you can be prepared to propose to her with a cheap $10 ring you buy from 77th Street with a small ghost on it. LOL-mantic to the max.